It’s not easy being trans. It’s not even easy to call myself trans. I really just want to be me. It doesn’t seem fair that finally getting to be me also means that I have to wear another label. Or be in a category – worry about being seen as weird. Before I was “normal” to everyone except myself – and now, I’m “normal” to me and weird for everyone else.
When I say everyone else I don’t actually mean everyone. I think that there really are some people in my life that are truly accepting loving and ok – for some others, it isn’t that they aren’t loving and accepting, it’s just that it’s harder and more awkward for them.
There will be times after you transition that you will know with 100% certainty who the people are that revert back to your old name or pronoun when you aren’t around.
It’s just a thing that happens. Those are the people that feel like as long as they get it right around you, it’s fine. It’s not fine – but like I said, it’s just a thing that happens.
I made the name of this blog Life in the Wrong Layne because it represents the way that I went through 36 years of my life in the wrong me. I can understand how my family might have been surprised. I’ve had success; in athletics and professionally. I’ve always been a tough, confident person – nobody would ever know that inside something was always wrong. I was so caught up being that me – the me that helped me survive feeling that something was always off – that I never took the time to try and figure it out. I was ok – my life was fine.
I also distinctly remember thinking that after coming out as a lesbian, I wasn’t trying to make anymore big announcements.
I had the perfect set of circumstances happen for me. I fell in love with the person I was meant to be with – not even in a corny way. Having someone that loves you and sees you – can make all the difference. It did for me. I was finally safe and free to actually think about me – who was I? Why did I hate looking at myself in the mirror? I was cool, people liked me – I liked me. But I liked the inside me – the outside me needed some work.
And then it clicked. There was a way that I could finally be me.
It was an amazing revelation – but also a scary one. How do you tell someone that? How do you start? You just start. You just start. You can do it. If you feel it and you know it, you can do it. You will be so happy that you do.
That’s the point of this blog – I want to tell stories about my life and this transition so that maybe someone else doesn’t wait. So that maybe someone else takes a minute to listen to themselves. I’m doing well. I’m happy – I have a good job and friends. It is one of the best things that has ever happened to me – the opportunity to become myself on the outside has made me better, (and a little different), on the inside.
The differences are real – it’s scary sometimes. I’ve gone from very emotional to very angry. Watch out for the rollercoaster around months 3-6. It’s not super awesome. I don’t play a good weepy guy. I’m going to create a whole page about the changes – so stay tuned.
The name of the blog is Life in the Wrong Layne but the web address is The Right Layne – because that is what I am now.