A few minutes after I decided on the title for this blog post, the character on the TV show I was watching at the time said, out of nowhere, “It’s all a blur.” And then, later that same evening, I was on Twitter or X I guess, (whatever), and I saw that Drake or somebody has an album out called It’s All a Blur. So I immediately felt like the stars had aligned and I had chosen the right title while also feeling deeply that I should pick a new title because this one was overused. Obviously I stuck with it.

I stuck with it mainly because it’s the right title for what I was going to write about: the timeframe between when I really learned what it meant to be Transgender to the time when I realized I was Trans and came out. Sounds interesting right? It probably is quite the story but unfortunately, much of it is a blur at this point, honestly. It’s been almost seven years since I said the words out loud for the first time to both myself and someone else and it’s been six and a half years since I took my first shot of testosterone. A lot has happened and that time period is all a blur. Which is good and bad. On one hand, I think the blur thing is, and likely always will be, an unconscious safety mechanism I have in place for myself to protect me from moments or things that are hurtful, damaging, or could result in trauma. But on the other hand, I’ve been busy living as I wish I always had! Growing, changing, transforming.

The things I do remember: I remember sitting on my friend’s front porch, slightly tipsy, and him saying that he had something to tell me. I said ok and sat down next to him on his top step. He took a deep breath and started to recall when we first met and how our friendship had grown and how he felt like he could really be himself with me. Again, I was a little tipsy so while I was picking up what he was putting down, I certainly wasn’t anywhere near mentally prepared for what he was about to tell me. After he told me that he felt like he could really be himself with me, he said something to the effect of: …. “and so I wanted you to know that I’m a Trans man.” And I didn’t know what to say or do. I also wasn’t sure I had heard him right. That’s the craziest thing about it – like I thought I heard him say he was a Trans man but who says that??? And I just knew him as this dude I had met and had known for like two and half years. He said a few more things, I said some things and I think I did a good job of being supportive but, I don’t know and we went inside and finished the night.

When I woke up the next morning it wasn’t the first thing I thought of; the first thing was like I need some water and some Advil and to pull myself together. But when I did get around to realizing what I thought I might have heard, I obviously told my wife (girlfriend at the time), and was like I think this is what he told me. And she was like well it sounds like something you should verify. And at that point it was like how do I verify if someone told me something like that? Hey, I think I heard you say you were Trans but did you mean like the Trans where you were born a girl but now you’re a dude walking around with a deep voice and a beard?

Once I got myself together, I hit my friend up and at first just kept it light and casual but finally I had to say something and so I said something to the effect of: did I hear you say that you were Trans last night? And he kind of chuckled and said yes. And that was kind of that for a while. I played it cool. I didn’t know really what I was supposed to do but I did have enough sense to know that he felt safe to share this with me and I wanted him to know that everything was ok. We were ok.

This is the part where the blur starts. I feel like learning that about my friend awakened something inside me that basically said: so you don’t have to live this way? I know that it didn’t happen right away but I certainly was affected. I was bothered and troubled because I just had no real concept of that being an option; it was like having my world split wide open. And I started to ask myself questions that I didn’t know I needed, or was too naive, to ask before. Is that why you have always felt so uncomfortable with so many things about yourself, your identity, your options? I felt so many emotions when I found this out; anger for having no idea this was something that existed; hopefulness about a future maybe; anxious, curious, happy, confused, shocked. Everything. I had met him and he was just who he was. I needed more information.

And so I researched and I looked things up and I asked my friend questions. And more and more of the stories and experiences were sounding familiar. The definition of Transgender was sounding accurate for the way I felt. The realization was like out of a movie scene when they’ve been scouring documents all day and moving around the room pulling books off of shelves to reference things, looking at maps and longitude coordinates and then they fall back into their chair exasperated after having exhausted all options before coming to the ultimate answer. I was Trans. And I was excited. It felt right. (It also felt nerve-wracking, but so, so right).

At this point in the story, the blur for me right now is in full effect. I’m not sure the amount of time that passed between finding out about my friend and me figuring out I was Trans. Sometimes it feels like a long time passed between and sometimes it feels like it was relatively short. I do know that a month after I got married in 2016, I came out as Trans to my wife and by that winter was in therapy and by the next spring had my first shot of Testosterone. It happened kind of fast I guess but my therapist was basically like “you’re definitely Trans,” very early on in our process. And she was right. I’m definitely Trans. Hahaha.

It’s been almost seven years since I came out as Trans. A lot has happened. I can’t believe how much. I can’t believe the change. I can’t believe I didn’t know until I was 36. That’s tragic. At least I made it. Some, (many) don’t.

Thanks for reading.

Listen to episode 2 of Season 4 of The Reconstructed Man Podcast out now. Two of my aunts from out of town came on the podcast to share their thoughts on my transition and our family. It’s good.